What Is Kinkeeping, and How Does It Impact Mothers During the Holidays?
As the holiday season approaches, many mothers find themselves juggling not just their usual responsibilities but also a unique and often invisible role: kinkeeping. This sociological term, first defined by Carolyn Rosenthal in her 1985 article “Kinkeeping in the Familial Division of Labor”, refers to the work of maintaining family connections—sending holiday cards, planning gatherings, remembering birthdays, and keeping the emotional glue of the family intact.
Kinkeeping is an act of love and dedication, but it often comes with stress, particularly during the holidays, when expectations for connection and celebration are heightened. While anyone can be a kinkeep, studies suggest that this role often falls disproportionately on mothers, adding to their already extensive mental load.
The Invisible Labor of Kinkeeping
Rosenthal’s work highlights how kinkeeping operates as an extension of the traditional caregiving roles assigned to women. Kinkeeping is about nurturing relationships within extended families—arranging visits, making phone calls, and ensuring no one feels left out. This work is largely invisible and undervalued because it doesn’t come with a paycheck or public recognition, yet it is essential to the functioning of families.
During the holidays, kinkeeping can manifest as coordinating schedules, hosting events, and making sure traditions are upheld. While these activities can be joyful, they can also lead to exhaustion and burnout, especially when combined with the societal expectation that mothers create "magic" holiday experiences.
Here are some refined examples of kinkeeping tasks, particularly during the holidays:
Tracking Down Special Ingredients: Searching multiple stores for that hard-to-find ingredient for a beloved family recipe because “it just wouldn’t be the same without it.”
Managing Gift Coordination: Sharing children’s gift ideas with family members while keeping track of who plans to buy what to avoid duplicates—and fielding follow-up questions about sizes, colors, and preferences.
Orchestrating the Elf on the Shelf: Moving the Elf to a new spot every night while trying to remember where it’s already been, all to keep the holiday magic alive for your children.
Keeping Up with School Activities: Remembering special events like Holiday Pajama Day, Secret Santa exchanges, or classroom parties—and ensuring your child has what they need.
Coordinating Family Gatherings: Aligning everyone’s schedules to find a date for the family holiday dinner, navigating time zone differences for virtual calls, and ensuring that everyone's dietary preferences are considered.
Sending Holiday Cards: Collecting updated addresses, choosing the perfect family photo, writing heartfelt messages, ordering postage, and getting them mailed out on time.
Maintaining Family Traditions: Making sure treasured traditions—like singing carols, lighting the menorah, or watching specific holiday movies—happen, even when time is tight.
Keeping the Calendar Organized
Managing a packed holiday calendar of social events, family visits, and community activities while avoiding double-booking or forgetting commitments.
These tasks may seem small individually, but they add up to a significant emotional and logistical burden that often falls on one person—frequently, the mother. Recognizing these contributions as part of kinkeeping can validate their importance and open the door to redistributing the workload.
Why Does Kinkeeping Fall Mostly on Mothers?
Sociological studies, such as Rosenthal's and later works on the gendered division of labor, emphasize that societal norms often expect women to take on relational and emotional labor within families. Arlie Hochschild’s "The Second Shift" (1989) complements this by exploring how women, even while working outside the home, often perform an unpaid “second shift” of caregiving and household management. Kinkeeping, while less visible than cooking or cleaning, is very much a part of this second shift.
Tips for Staying Grounded and Finding Joy in Kinkeeping
If you find yourself shouldering the weight of kinkeeping this holiday season, here are some strategies to stay grounded and reclaim the joy in the work of connection:
Reflect on What Truly Matters
Take a moment to ask yourself: What aspects of kinkeeping bring you joy? Is it writing heartfelt cards, cooking a family recipe, or simply spending time with loved ones? Focus on those aspects and let go of tasks that feel obligatory or draining.Define Your Edges and Protect That Space: It’s okay to say no to certain tasks. If hosting a large holiday dinner feels overwhelming, consider sharing the responsibility or hosting a smaller, more manageable gathering. If you don’t feel like sending holiday cards, don’t.
Delegate and Share the Load
Kinkeeping doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. Ask siblings, partners, or even children to pitch in with tasks like making calls, decorating, or planning. This not only eases your burden but also reinforces the shared nature of family connection.Create Your Own Traditions
If longstanding family traditions feel burdensome, consider starting new ones that align with your current values and capacity. This can breathe new life into the season and make kinkeeping feel more meaningful.Carve Out Time for Yourself
Kinkeeping often focuses on others, but your well-being is just as important. Make space for moments of rest or activities that replenish you, whether that’s a quiet walk, a cup of tea, or reading a favorite book. Especially in a house you’ve decorated so beautifully.
Finding Balance in Connection
Kinkeeping is a labor of love, and its importance in fostering connection should not be overlooked. By recognizing its weight, redistributing its responsibilities, and focusing on what truly matters, mothers—and anyone taking on the role of kinkeeping—can approach the holidays with more intention and joy.
This season, remember: You are not solely responsible for everyone’s happiness. A connected family starts with a grounded and supported kinkeep.